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I’m certain many of you were as horrified as I was to read the article in Thursday’s Herald/Review about the brutal behavior of a grandfather who was so embarrassed by his 12, 9 and 8 year old grandsons being ‘overweight’ that he is now on trial for taking them on hikes into the Grand Canyon where, according to the boys, he denied them water and pushed, kicked and choked them repeatedly.

According to a National Park Service Special Agent, the grandfather said he loves the boys very much.

That kind of behavior comes nowhere near to being effective, appropriate or loving — and it this case, it may prove to be criminal.

I think the grandfather was desperate to affect some change in the boys appearance — which he mistakenly believed reflected negatively on him. Yes, this is all about the grandfather’s vanity, pride and ego; cruelty was the result.

I remember the times when my sons spent weekends with their father in Phoenix. They ate a lot of fast food and over one summer, the waistline measurement of my 7–year old grew to that of his 12-year old brother. Fast food was a reward and my younger son wanted to be sure he got his share — the same share as his brother.

It concerned me not because of how my son looked, but because the bad eating habits of his youth might follow him well into adulthood and effect his health and his happiness.

To me, it’s a matter of encouragement versus discouragement. And, in this case — the absolute lack of any empathy or understanding on the part of the grandfather. He might have had a great opportunity to create a relationship that included doing a great number of fun activities that would encourage physical fitness.

How do you encourage those you love? Do you model the behavior and try to enlighten by sharing knowledge to help affect the change or behavior you want to encourage? Good relationships and affecting change take time.

What kind of encouragement do you remember as a child?

I don’t remember specific encouragement as much as I recall the positive expectations of my parents — that I should be kind, resourceful, helpful, obedient and get good grades in school. There were six children in my family and my mother took very good care of us.

I do recall being asked to join the swim team and how proud I was to be a good swimmer. However, my parents didn’t come to watch me practice, and it’s not even that I expected them to. I only know I needed some recognition for my efforts that I didn’t get, so I soon dropped out. I regret that, but I still enjoy swimming.

I believe very strongly that every parent needs information to overcome the imperfect parenting of their own childhoods.

Children don’t learn to be tough by rough treatment. They become resilient when they have been encouraged and shown how to be responsible and know they are loved, despite the mistakes they make.

There is some good information on how to encourage a child at child-discipline-with-love.com, which produces the behavior program called ‘The Total Transformation.’

They say encouragement is to describe some good thing about the child which the child believes to be genuine and that the child learns to praises himself for, based on our descriptions. This way the child himself is boosting his self esteem and genuinely feels happy about it, which produces the desired results.

Those desired results are to condition the child for success; some of the specific suggestions include:

1.   Praise and encourage a child
      for efforts, not natural talent.

2.   Be genuine.

3.   Don’t be vague: be specific and
      descriptive.

4.   Don’t expect perfection: praise
      improvement.

5.   Don’t give comparative praise.

6.   Don’t mix praise and criticism.

7.   Praise publicly if possible.

8.   Don’t repeat yourself over and
      over.

9.   Don’t over encourage.

10. Don’t drag in previous errors.

11. Avoid negative emotions in your
      voice and body language.

PAT WICK is assistant general manager of the Herald/Review. She can be reached at 458-9440, Ext. 604, or by e-mail pat.wick@wickcommunications.com. Look for her column each Friday in the Herald/Review.